“What?” Lucky asked, dumbfounded. The words refused to sink in.
“We aren’t detecting any brain activity in your daughter, Mr. Spencer,” the doctor explained slowly.
Lucky stared at Talbot, at a loss for words. He shook his head, trying to clear the fog that had drifted into it. “You don’t mean…”
“She’s as good as dead. We can keep her alive, but she won’t survive without full life support.”
“Good. Then put her on full life support.”
Talbot appeared shocked. “Mr. Spencer!” he cried, his tone dismayed. “Do you understand what I’m telling you?”
“Yes, I think I do,” Lucky said quietly. “You told me you could save my daughter. Now go ahead and do it.” He opened his mouth to speak again, then thought better of it and watched the bed silently. “It isn’t too late, is it?”
Talbot set his jaw and turned back to the table. “All right, you heard the man.”
Abbot stared silently, clearly confused. His eyes flicked back and forth between Lucky and the doctor, finally coming to rest on Katie’s still form. The heart monitor continued to shrill in the background. “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked Lucky quietly.
“What are you doing?” Lucky shouted. “You were going to help her before that pompous ass even said anything! Why are you so hesitant all of a sudden?”
“Mr. Spencer…”
“Don’t Mr. Spencer me,” Lucky said sharply. “A minute ago you were fully prepared to save my daughter’s life. You promised me you would do it. Now, I don’t care what the hell it takes, I want you to do it.”
Emily appeared in the doorway, her eyes full of tears. “Lucky,” she said hoarsely. Her eyes fell on Katie on the bed and she cried out. “Oh god no!”
“Emily!” Lucky snapped. “Wait outside.” He turned again to the doctors, shaking with rage. “You bring her back,” he said through clenched teeth.
“It might…” Dr. Abbot started. “It might be too late.”
“DO IT!” Lucky shouted. His voice trembled with his fury.
Closing his eyes, Lucky started out into the hall again. He sank into the nearest chair, avoiding the glances darted at him from various points in the room. His ears, accustomed now to the flat line on the heart monitor, perked up at a new sound. It was the sweetest sound he could remember hearing.
Dr. Talbot appeared in the hallway, dripping sweat. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and regarded Lucky grimly. “I don’t remember being so tense in my life,” he muttered as he walked over. Standing before Lucky, he sighed. “We got her back,” he said calmly.
Lucky could only muster the strength to smile. He leaned back into his
seat, and let everything spin slowly around him. After a long moment, he
allowed his eyes to drift open. Everything would be all right now, he knew.
He had Katie back.
5 – Undone
“You look exhausted.”
Lucky looked up, blinking. “Where did you come from?”
Emily leaned casually against the doorframe. “Mars. How about you?”
Lucky managed a small smile before returning his attention to the computer screen.
“Working?”
Lucky shrugged. “Just some stuff I have to finish up. It’s nothing big.”
“Well, then why don’t you let me finish up for you?”
“Emily, you can’t.”
“Who says?”
“I do.”
“And since when do I pay attention to anything you say?”
“Emily,” Lucky pleaded. “Please. Come on, I’ve just got a little more to finish up before I go up to bed. Would you give me just on break?”
Emily sat across the table from Lucky. She watched him for a moment, then sighed. “Lucky, it’s been so long…”
Lucky looked up sharply. “Don’t.”
“Come on, Lucky. Nothing has changed. And nothing will. Face it, Lucky. This is no way for a little girl to live.”
“So I should kill her instead?” Lucky asked. “You’re the last person I expected to hear this from, Em.”
“I’m just saying…” Emily cut off, her eyes distant. “You should see what it’s doing to you, Lucky. I’ve been living with you for over a year now, and I haven’t seen you smile since…well, the day of Katie’s accident.”
“Yeah, you mean that wonderful day. The day my mom tried to kill my daughter.”
“Lucky, she didn’t.”
“Don’t tell me what she did or didn’t do!” Lucky shouted, coming to his feet. He crossed the kitchen, his fists curled into tight fists at his sides. He reached the refrigerator and opened it, pulling out a long-necked beer bottle.
“Lucky, what are you doing?”
“The name is Luke.”
“I never call you that.”
“Then I suggest you start.”
“Lucky!” Emily said sharply. She got up to stand beside him, and put her arms around his waist. She felt his body tremble slightly at her touch. “You’re so high-strung right now…I can’t blame you for being like this, either. But you have to get in touch with reality here, Lucky.” She touched a hand to his cheek, turning his face to look into hers. “You can’t just put your life on hold. There are people who need you here…in this dimension.”
“Are you saying I’m in another one?” Lucky asked with a small smile. His tone contained no humor, however. He sighed, sinking back into Emily’s embrace. “I can’t,” he whispered. “I can’t even bear to think of letting her go. That would be…impossible.”
Emily hitched in a deep breath, then stepped back from Lucky. Lucky, sensing something at her movements, turned to face her fully. “Okay, listen,” Emily said now that she had his attention. “You don’t have to let Katie go. That’s fine. But it’s perfectly fine to get on with your life. I mean…there’s more to live for than her, Lucky.”
“No,” he disagreed. “There isn’t.”
Emily, taken aback by his word, could think of no response. She merely watched as he resumed his position at the kitchen table, his body hunched over to gaze at the laptop in front of him. She left the room without another word, listening to the quiet tapping of his fingers on the keyboard.
***
“So, how is he?” Bobbie asked softly.
Emily sighed. “The same as always. He absolutely refuses to give up on her, Bobbie. I know that she’s her daughter and all, but god, he can’t go on like this.”
Bobbie appeared thoughtful. “That’s what I keep saying,” she murmured. “So, other than that, how is he? Has he been eating? Sleeping?”
A frown creased Emily’s fine brow. She paused for a moment, considering her response. “Well…not really. He only eats when you tell him to, and as for sleep…I don’t know if gets any at all. He looks more exhausted each time I see him.”
“Well, it’s coming up on the one year anniversary of the accident.”
“I know,” Emily replied. “Next week. Lucky won’t say anything about it. I think he’s trying to blot it out of his mind.”
“That’s how I felt with BJ,” Bobbie said, her voice distant. Emily looked up sharply, surprised at the turn of the conversation. “When she was in the hospital,” Bobbie added, a little more clearly. “After her accident. When Tony told me what they wanted to do, I was horrified. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to let her go. And after I made the decision to do it…I thought about anything but that to keep myself from going crazy. That’s what I thought I was doing. Going crazy.”
“Is it that hard?” Emily asked.
“You lost your mother.”
“I know, but…that seems different somehow. I didn’t feel how you describe feeling. It was nothing like that. It was better if I did think about it. Otherwise I felt like I was doing something wrong.”
“I don’t understand.”
Emily couldn’t help but laugh. “Maybe it was because I was so young. I don’t know, really. But if I didn’t think constantly about my mother dying I thought I was doing something wrong. Like not thinking or caring enough about her would make her die even faster. Pretty screwed up logic, huh? Well, you can’t really blame me. I was eleven.”
“I don’t blame you,” Bobbie assured her. “As a matter of fact, I think you might have helped me out a little. With the mystery behind Lucky’s actions, I mean.”
“Really?” Emily asked, surprised. “I didn’t mean to.”
Bobbie smiled. “I can see that. I just meant that Lucky’s been acting a little strangely lately. At first he acted great. It was everything to him to have her alive. He was on a sort of natural high for months, if you remember.”
“How could I forget? He never actually seemed happy, really. Just…determined. He had a goal then. For Katie to get better. Now that he realizes that she’s not going to he doesn’t hope for anything anymore. He’s a walking zombie.”
“Do you want to hear my take on it?” Bobbie asked.
“Sure.”
“Well, you said you felt guilty if you didn’t think about your mother all of the time.”
“Well…not exactly.”
“But something like that,” Bobbie said. “I mean, you felt like you were doing something to hurt her, didn’t you? If you didn’t think constantly about her, then obviously you didn’t care much whether she lived or not. Isn’t that right?”
“It makes more sense when you say it. I say it and I can hardly understand it myself.”
Bobbie smiled slightly. “Well, I pride myself on my ability to twist anybody’s words to say what I want them to,” she said.
“Bobbie!” Emily said with a laugh. She shook her head, returning to her serious demeanor as Bobbie contiued.
“Maybe that’s what Lucky is feeling like. I’ve got to tell you, it’s strange. I’ve seen plenty of cases like this. Being a nurse in ICU, I’m bound to see a lot of families of brain-dead patients. In these cases, the patients aren’t dead, but they aren’t exactly alive either. It’s almost like being kidnapped, really. If someone you love is kidnapped, it’s almost a guarantee that you aren’t going to see them again for a long while, if ever again. It’s hard to let go of that missing person, though. Even though you know the chances are very slim of even seeing them again, you can’t bring yourself to get on with your life in their absence. I know I felt that way after BJ died.” Her eyes clouded for an instant, then cleared just as quickly. “I didn’t feel like I should be happy without her. After a while, though, I realized that it was better for everyone, living and not, if I did just get over it. It wasn’t easy, but I was finally able to do something besides grieve for my dead daughter. And when I did…it was like I was reborn.”
Emily leaned forward, tears glimmering in tiny pools in her eyes. “I know that’s how he feels,” she said brokenly. “But he won’t talk about it.” She wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. “I love Lucky so much, Bobbie,” she whispered. “He’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and he’s done so much for me. It was his idea to adopt Jonathon and everything. I hate to see him like this. And he won’t even tell me what’s going on with him.”
“That’s why you came to me,” Bobbie concluded.
Emily nodded. “I knew that he felt something like that,” she said quietly. “I remembered how I felt when my mom was dying, and then right after, and I had a feeling that was exactly how he is feeling now. I guess…I guess I just wanted to hear it from someone else. Someone who knew what they were talking about.”
“You know what you’re talking about, Emily. If you didn’t, Lucky wouldn’t have kept you with him all this time. He wouldn’t have chosen a friend like you if he didn’t want help.”
“Why, because I’m so pushy?”
“Well, you were the one who got him home from the hospital, Emily. You got him to start eating again…at least most of the time. And you got him into semi-normal sleeping and bathing patterns again. You were the one who got him to stop visiting the hospital every hour to check on Katie, and…”
“He still goes,” Emily interrupted.
“Huh?”
“He still goes,” Emily repeated. “Lucky goes to the hospital every day. No matter what’s going on, he goes down to see her. Sometime he sits there for hours at a time, just watching her. I don’t know if he’s expecting something from her, or just breathing in the sight of her. I don’t see how he could, seeing her like that. Every time I see her little body, that face…I want to cry. And she’s his daughter. I just don’t see how he does it.”
“He loves her,” Bobbie explained shortly.
Emily only nodded, then glanced down at her watch. Mild panic started to descend as she noticed the time. She brushed the feeling off and glanced again at Bobbie. “It might be that guilt thing again,” she said quietly. “He could be going because he feels like he has to.”
“Like it’s his duty.”
“Yes, just like that! I really hate it, Bobbie. He can’t go for long like this.”
Bobbie stood up slowly, and straightened the front of her jacket. “Maybe he doesn’t have to. Why don’t you give me a call later tonight, honey? I think we can work something out to distract Lucky. At least for a while.”
“You think it’ll work? Distracting him, I mean? He can hardly think about anything but her. All he ever does is sit around and type on his computer when he’s at home, sit around and watch her at the hospital. As for work, I don’t know if he even goes anymore. I wouldn’t be surprised if he sits at the computer all day while I’m gone too.”
“The computer?” Bobbie asked with a frown. “You’re going to have to tell me about that tonight too.”
Emily shook her head. “Why do I have a feeling we’re going to be having a lot more of these in-depth conversations?”
“If it’ll help Lucky…”
“I know, I know. I’ll do anything for him too.” Emily glanced at her watch again. “Well, you’d better go,” she said. “Lucky’ll be home from his appointment any minute.” Bobbie nodded, then tossed a smile over her shoulder at Emily before walking out the door. Emily sank on to the sofa again after she left, letting out an explosive breath of relief. She couldn’t imagine Lucky’s reaction at seeing her and Bobbie alone together. She had learned the hard way about Lucky’s newfound paranoia concerning his relatives.
Lucky got home within the next half hour. Emily was in the same position, lounging on the sofa. He kicked her shin lightly to rouse her. “Hey,” he said, sitting beside her.
Emily rubbed her eyes, and peered anxiously at Lucky. “I wasn’t sleeping.”
“I know that.”
“How’d it go?”
Lucky shrugged. “I’m not insane. Gail is a little concerned, because of my apparent lack of grief…”
“What do you mean ‘lack of grief’? What’s that supposed to mean?”
Lucky responded with another shrug. “You know shrinks. They aren’t happy unless you’re rolling on the floor in tears. She doesn’t think I’m expressing my emotions very well. She said I was…” His brow creased as he struggled to remember the term. “Apathetic. Like I didn’t care what happens in my life or something.”
“Well do you?”
“I care a lot about Katie,” Lucky insisted.
“I don’t think that’s what she meant.”
Lucky laughed. “What else is there to care about? My daughter hasn’t opened her eyes in almost a year. As a matter of fact, I’m building up a billion dollar hospital bill keeping her on life support. And yet, somehow, I don’t care about anything in my life. I care enough to keep her alive.”
“At what cost?” Emily demanded.
“What?”
“At what cost? At what cost is your daughter going to keep her life? I love Katie almost as much as you do, Lucky. I know how hard it is for you to give her up. But god, Lucky, everyday that she lives part of you dies! You can’t let this happen to you Lucky!” She jumped to her feet. “Look at yourself! When was the last time you felt anything Lucky? When was the last time you felt anything at all? You mope around the house all day, and you go to visit Katie every day…at least once…but it isn’t like you want to do it. It’s just a duty that you’re performing. Bobbie and I talked while you were gone.”
She stopped, breathing in deeply before daring herself to continue. “We realized why you’ve been acting this way.”
“What way?”
“And we understand that it’s because of warring feelings inside. Yeah sure, you’re upset about Katie being like she is, but the truth is, what actually hurts you is that you’re tired of being upset about it, isn’t that it?”
“Acting what way Emily?” Lucky shouted angrily.
Emily turned to her friend, her eyes wide. He stood before, hands clenched in tight fists, his face red with suppressed fury. He advanced on Emily, breathing heavily. “How have I been acting, Em? A little bit crazy? A little nuts, maybe? Huh? Am I scaring you Emily? Is the way I’m acting scaring you Emily?” He slammed a fist into the wall. “Well, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?!”
Emily shrank away from Lucky, her lips trembling. She backed up against the couch, feeling a small surge of panic when her back hit the resistance behind it. “Lucky, just calm down…”
“Why should I calm down Emily? WHY?! You’re standing here lecturing me on how I should behave, on how I should feel when you have no idea what I’m going through! They’re not your feelings Emily! It’s not your daughter lying in that hospital bed!” Lucky reached his breaking point. The tears finally spilled from his eyes as Lucky slid, defeated, down the wall. He tried valiantly to stop the hot tears, but the harder he tried, the faster they fell.
Emily crossed over to him, her heart in her throat. “Oh, Lucky,” she crooned, crouching down beside him. With one quick sweep she collected his shaking body in her arms. Lucky, grateful for the comfort, buried his head in her shoulder.
“I can’t do this anymore, Em,” he sobbed, his voice muffled. “I just can’t. Every time I think about her…” He sniffed loudly. Emily waited for him to continue, then pulled away slightly to gaze into his eyes.
“You’re going to get through this Lucky,” she promised, taking his face in her hands. “Together we can get through it. This is just what you need. To talk, to let it out…this is what is going to make it better, Lucky.”
“How can you say that?” Lucky asked. “How can you? You start out telling me that I don’t feel anything, that I’m acting strange, then…I do something strange and you just tell me that I’m doing the right thing, when actually I’m doing the wrong thing by being a wreck, when I really should be much more stoic…”
“Lucky,” Emily interrupted. He glanced up at her, his eyes sparkling with tears. “You’re babbling.”
Lucky’s troubles seemed to melt away at her words. It was the first time in months that she had spoken so candidly with him. “Yeah,” he admitted, wiping away tears. “I guess I am. See what happens when I try to open up.”
“I love it when you open up,” Emily whispered, kissing the top of his head.
Lucky smiled. Then, heaving a great sigh, he started to push himself up along the wall. Once upright, he gave Emily another wan smile. “I didn’t realize just how tired I am,” he murmured.
“Are you?” Emily asked, suddenly concerned.
“Yeah. Exhausted. I feel like I got back from a twenty-four shift or something. Sonny would kill me if he saw me like this.” He laughed shakily. “And I don’t just mean the crying. I must look like a wreck.”
“Yeah,” Emily agreed, taking his arm. “But you’re my wreck.”
Lucky walked with Emily down the hall towards his bedroom, and pondered her words. After a moment’s consideration, he decided to pursue it after he woke again. For now, he only wanted to sleep. They made it as far as the bedroom door before the doorbell rang. Lucky turned back, sighing heavily.
“Lucky…”
“Em, I have to get the door.”
“What if it’s your mom or dad?”
“Then I’ll slam it in their face.”
“Lucky, come on. This is the last thing you need right now. I’m just starting to make some headway with you. I mean, for the first time in what…a year almost? For the first time in a year you cried Lucky. Seriously. I haven’t seen you cry since the night of the accident. This is going so nice right now, I just…”
“Emily!” Lucky interrupted.
“Fine,” Emily said. “But please, if it’s one of your parents, will you just let me handle it?”
Lucky glowered. “Gladly.” Brushing past Emily, he hurried back down the hall and pulled open the front door. His jaw dropped at the sight before him. “Elizabeth.”